This has indeed been a very eventful summer...well not eventful in the way most people would assume (vacations etc.), but eventful. Picture this: you are a pretty social person. You enjoy going out, meeting with people, seeing movies and just interacting with people in general. Then one day, just seeing people triggers an awful panic attack that hits you like an 18 wheeler. You are in the grocery store and suddenly feel nausea and begin to hyperventilate. You hear ringing in your ears, you begin to see a bunch of colorful spots and know that if you don't sit down, you are going to faint in front of a bunch of people, be sick or both. Yes. This happened to me.
The first time was actually during my first shoe delivery, that I posted about in my last entry, below. I was feeling perfectly fine, until we were about to leave. I had felt this way before in the first months of starting college, but never this strongly. It was the most horrible feeling I've ever had - I felt like I was going to be sick and for me, nausea is the worst feeling. I'd rather someone beat me up or fall down a flight of stairs and break a bone than feel nauseous. I'm not even kidding. I still went to deliver the shoes. When we first got there, I hid in the bathroom for several minutes until I finally had the courage to see all of those kids. When it was time for me to give Luke his shoes, I was having a full-blown silent panic attack and I was so ashamed and embarrassed, that I fought with all my might to hide the way I was feeling, with success. I had been looking forward to this, too! I was going to try and put his shoes on for him and everything, but it was all I could do to not be sick. I had no idea why I was feeling this way - I've sung in front of crowds of people, held speeches, danced in front of a crowd and all sorts of craziness and never felt this way. I don't get anxious like this - this was a task I should have been able to take on with no second thought! But it was so difficult for me. And I LOVE kids!
Later on in the evening, Mike and I tried to go to Walmart, and again. ANOTHER panic attack. Smack out of the blue, too! I was doing just fine, and the nausea just hit me for no reason. I was in the bathroom for what seemed like the longest time, afraid of the cashier! And I didn't even see who it was or anything - I was just deathly afraid of paying for the items. I couldn't even begin to explain how I was feeling, let alone why. We went through the drive thru for the coffee I had been wanting all day, and I began to panic again! I had a terrible night. I even called my mom at 2 AM which had to have been very early for her, but I had to talk to her. I felt like a small child. I was afraid of everything - everything triggered panic and it got to the point where I was afraid to be alive and conscious.
I was supposed to go to my friend's surprise graduation party, which I helped plan, but I couldn't even manage to get out of the bed. I couldn't drink, I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. Trying to sleep was like coming home from a long night at the club, incredibly drunk, shutting of the light and trying to sleep, but some jerk keeps turning the room on you. I couldn't even doze off without the nausea waking me up. So I stayed in bed all day with my aunt and uncle's dog. I tried to watch shows on my computer and could barely even do that without feeling nauseous. Everything made me feel just sick.
The anxiety didn't get any better. The only way I could think to describe it, was that I was afraid of people and that didn't even make sense. When I looked it up, I stumbled across "Agoraphobia", which is a social anxiety disorder that I had never heard of. The same night I looked it up, I wanted to try to go to the store, but couldn't work up the courage. I experienced such anger and self-loathing, that I had an incident that put me in the E.R. and left me staying the night at the hospital in the behavioral health unit under observation. I was scared to death of the hospital and was terrified of staying the night, especially in the psych ward, where I had some rough memories from my childhood.
I went home the next day and got on some anxiety medication and anti-depressants. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia and again diagnosed with depression, which didn't surprise me. When I went on the medication, I made a decision, which I failed to do the last time I had gone on medication. I was NOT going to let these feelings and my situation take over my life and dominate everything in it. I was going to fight this and let myself heal this summer. I was going to slowly force myself to get back into society and get rid of this roadblock called agoraphobia.
So I did. I slowly started making myself leave the house. In the beginning, it was torture...I had doctor's appointments that I almost arrived late to, because I was too scared to leave the house. I began with making myself go through the drive through. Just riding shotgun. I got myself used to that until I felt completely comfortable. Then I went to Mike's mom's work, where I knew people. My close friend from Illinois came to visit my for my 21st birthday for a surprise visit. I spent most of the time indoors with her, which she luckily didn't seem to mind. The day she had to go back, I forced myself to go along for the 3 hour drive to the airport in Albuquerque. No panic attack. :) The next day, I went to Target to get scrapbooking supplies. No panic attack! About a week later, I tried my luck again at Walmart. No Panic Attack!! I bit later, I was even able to make it to the mall! By the 1st of July, I was finally driving on my own again, which made me feel so wonderful! I've been getting better and better every day.
It wouldn't have been possible without the loving and kind support of friends, family and soon to be family! Mike and I came up with a code word and a plan if I had a panic attack. If I said the word, he would start talking to me about something random, just to keep my mind off of things. And it worked every single time. :) Just about a week ago, I was able to go to a restaurant again and be okay with people watching me eat. It was IHOP and we were in a closed off section of the restaurant in privacy, but I was still pretty proud of myself. xD
I am slowly getting of the anti anxiety medication and I am hoping that by the end of August when school starts off, I will be either close to or completely off of it. In May, I seriously thought I was going to have to cancel my classes and stay inside for the rest of my life. Now, I am fully confident that I am going to be okay!!
The crazy thing is that I have never been a very confident or positive person. I've always been a bit of an Eeyore; a the-glass-is-half-empty type of person. But not anymore. I am so extremely proud of myself for getting through this! There are still tough days for sure, and occasionally, I will experience panic, but I am doing so much better. I didn't allow myself to feel sorry for myself and fall into a deeper spiral into depression, which I usually would have done. I even got myself to quit smoking this summer, which was a HUGE step. This summer I have learned one of the most important lessons I think a person can learn - if you truly believe in something and fight for it, and most importantly, believe in yourself, ANYTHING is possible. And in the end, it's easier to fight for the good instead of giving in to the bad. I am so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life and thankful every day that it's just anxiety and depression I struggle with, and not anything life-threatening! Seeing the children I paint shoes for has given me so much to think about. Every time I paint a ribbon on those shoes, I think about what those kids have to go through EVERY DAY. They are fighting for their lives and can't just decide to do something about it. Their fate lies in the hands of this terrible illness and there is nothing they can do but pray to God that they will make it through this. Working with PNF reminds me to be grateful for everything I have in my life and taking nothing and no one for granted. EVER. Every day I wake up, I force myself to look around me and be thankful for what I have.
You probably wonder why I am writing all this personal crap on a blog. Truthfully, the reason I want to share this, is to share the fact that there is HOPE! You just have to keep fighting and not give in to the easy way out. Life can be so hard sometimes, but if it were not, how would we learn and how would anything in our lives have meaning? Enjoy every single day you live as if it were your last. Be thankful for the things you have, because there is always someone out there who has it much worse than you and STILL finds a way to be thankful for what they have. Be strong, be hopeful, be optimistic and NEVER, EVER give up.
- Elle-Belle
