Just plain scared.

I can't sleep. At all. I know this may seem weird to most of you reading this, since most of you are most likely from the United States and have been exposed to this all your life. I really haven't had to deal with it this directly until now. I grew up in a very christian home most of my life, while living in a country where you could sleep on a park bench in the middle of the night in a bikini and not have to worry about anything happening to you. Okay, that might be a bit of an overstatement, but it is very close to the truth. I was very protected from some of the horrors that go on in this world. I NEVER feared walking around outside in the middle of the night or being stabbed or shot because I voiced my opinion to a stranger. Ever since I moved to the States, a huge wooden board with the words "REALITY CHECK" written in bold, red letters, smacked me right in the face. 

I never had to deal with death directly as a kid or teen. I never had to deal with DUIs/DWIs, shootings, rape, murder or anything of the sort. As far as sickness, I never had to deal with any family members being anything other than mentally ill, which was somewhat controllable, and not life-threatening. The first time I had to deal with death was in September of 2009, when a car took my friend's right of way while he was on a motorcycle, and hit him. It took his life a few days later. It was a hit and run. It hit me hard. He was an ex-boyfriend, but we still stayed good friends. We both had our own groups of friends, but we kept promising each other to get together and play guitar. I hate myself to this day, that I never kept my promise to teach him how to play Master of Puppets.

I thought that would be it for a while. My Grandparents were all in good health and I really had no worries. It was on New Year's Eve 2011 that it started again. My fiance's dog Sockie, who I absolutely adored, passed away very suddenly from an infection. I never grew up with any animals besides fish, which don't really count, so I became very attached to this dog and this one hit me pretty hard, especially since it was quite sudden. The next hit me about two months later, when I got an E-MAIL (yes, an e-mail), telling me that my grandfather had cancer. An e-mail. It was just a few weeks later, that I got on facebook before bed and saw my cousin's post that my grandpa had passed away. FACEBOOK. Since my parents are overseas and in a different time zone, they weren't able to inform me exactly when it happened. It broke my heart. 

A week later, we lost another dog. He ended up having to spend two full days in the Garage, covered with a blanket, because everything was closed for holidays and there was nothing we could do, which made it even harder to deal with.

Since then, mid February, I've had close friends lose parents. I keep seeing it all over the place. Working with Peach's Neet Feet, a non-profit organization that paints canvas shoes for kids with cancer and other illnesses and disabilities, I see pictures of sick, helpless little kids, who are too young to even understand what is happening with them. Do not get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE doing this. If there is anything at all I can do for these kids, it's to spend time doing what I love to put a smile on their faces. But man, it's rough to see. 

I've always been a people person. I was always the one person who would comfort an enemy if he or she were crying. I hate seeing people in pain and hurting, physically or emotionally. The faith and belief I grew up with until my early teens is so rocky, I don't know what to believe. I have lost almost all faith in God, who is supposed to be a father. What father wouldn't fix his kid's problems if he possibly could?! That, however, is a completely different story.

Now, my Cinematography class at the college I attend is filming "Every 15 Minutes." If you're not aware of what this is; the program is a drunk driving education program for high school juniors and seniors. A VERY realistic looking DUI crash is set up and two to three kids "die" at the scene of the crash and in the hospital. I'm talking fake blood, brain matter, bones sticking out, glass sticking out of eyes - just about as disturbing you can get. To me, anyway. I mean I can deal with horror movies and psycho thrillers, but man, this stuff is pretty scary looking. Especially since it all happens live and it's so well played out. I know it's not real, but it represents something that happens, as the name of the program suggests, every 15 minutes. And it happens to people who did NOTHING wrong.

Every 15 Minutes Pleasant Hill

Honestly, if I didn't have such fresh wounds from all the crap that's happened this year already, I'd find this project pretty exciting. But I am beginning to dread it. I can see blood. I've seen it, I've dealt with it. I've done as much as take control and help a friend who nearly bled to death from a dangerously deep cut. But this is really a lot. And even though it's fake, to me it's so real. And every time I see these videos, it's just a reminder of my friend dying in that crash and all the other deaths I've encountered just in the first few months of 2012. I don't know how to feel about this video shoot and I can honestly say that I have no clue how well I'm going to be able to deal with it emotionally.

I ask myself: with so many people with cancer and other unpreventable life-threatening illnesses, why can't those who are more fortunate use the brains they were provided with to prevent shit like this from happening?! Don't drink and drive! Get a designated driver! WALK for crying out loud! Call a taxi! If you could afford all that booze, you can at least pay for a damn taxi! Treat people the way you'd like to be treated! Don't treat your classmates like shit, because believe it or not, they might just decide to bring their dad's gun to school one day. Don't threaten people with weapons! If you want money, GO APPLY FOR A JOB! If you've been mistreated and can't deal with it, seek some help! Don't make someone else pay for your misery! I could rant all day! If people would just have the common decency to treat their neighbors with respect and use common sense once in a while, crime and death rates would drop DRASTICALLY. I know I am expecting too much and I need to shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. But the fact that expecting people not to put others in life-threatening situations is too much to ask anymore, scares the living hell out of me.

My feelings about this may, as I said earlier, seem strange and rather pathetic to most of you reading this. But I felt it needed to be said by someone who is not as familiar with this culture as she thought she was and MAYBE come across someone who shares these feelings with me.